There Aint No Free Lunches

Mirror, Mirror, in the Hall

2008-06-18T16:16:00.002+05:30

The attention-grabbing “Wakes you” campaign of the most-read daily in Mumbai is not an exaggeration by any means! Backed by their extensive investigative research, the indefatigable team strives to get meaningful and insightful stories happening right here, right now to a table near you! Which explains why the focus never strays from rainy days, events blasé and stray strays. You can’t fault their logic really, as these arguably form the most ‘current’ news stories that you can get.

However, one gets the feeling that a vicious cycle is emerging. While people were previously content with schmoozing their way into Page 3, the new trend emerging is to perpetrate gory and spine-chilling crimes to stake their claim to fame. Even more worrisome, on introspection, I think the depressing and morbid scenario seems to be rubbing off on me as I start a beautiful day! Please note that this is a hypothesis, and is purely speculative. Therefore, it cannot be used in any manner in a court of law or for any law enhancement activity. This disclaimer is especially important in recent times due to the reckless spate of frivolous arrests in connection with crimes that have pricked a nation’s conscience.

For the uninitiated, Vikrant is my flat-mate who has not graced his humble abode in over a month now. My maid and watchmen have started giving me suspicious looks as to why Vikrant is not to be seen of late. The problem is aggravated by the fact that Vikrant makes it a point to make conversation with the watchman, cobbler, newspaperman, etc to ensure continued exercise of his facial muscles. He is therefore the bright point of many souls’ life and my taciturn demeanor does not exactly endear myself to the aforementioned. Add to this my being a ‘migrant’ in an increasingly regionally-polarized society, and you have Mr. Murphy rubbing his hands with unconcealed glee. I therefore send occasional spam e-mails to office junta marking Vikrant just to entice him to rely and ensure there is documentary proof of his continued existence.

Word has it that the venerable Mirror’s foot soldiers have been spotted in the neighborhood recently. Sleep is a luxury that will not come easy in the near future. Sigh!!!

PS: Blogging after nearly a year feels strange. But ‘working at client site’ permits such small mercies after long last J

The Idiot and the Box

2007-09-30T21:24:00.000+05:30

The weekend inches closer to a hasty end..... Dementor thoughts gleefully start to overwhelm me and fill my weary soul with dreary Monday blues.

Yet another weekend gone by..... all that remains is to analyze my weekend goals and monitor progress. Goals - here I come!
- Trekking (at least a little farther than my neighbourhood shop)
- Working out (new year resolutions are too damn hard to adhere to!)
- Salsa (physically, as opposed to appreciative analysis on TV)
- Reading (something apart from Mumbai mirror and Mumbai times*)
- Movies (Bourne Ultimatum - postponed for quite some time now)
- Blogging (just to help dear readers meet one goal... c'mon, its ok to admit :))
- TV (lowest hanging fruit, if ever there was one)
- Working (in stark contrast to the other previously mentioned goal)

The first section of the goals was on account of declaring war on my companion for many years, through situations kabhi khushi kabhi gham - my loyal paunch :). Not to mention being bombarded by newspapers, magazines and TVs everyday about healthy living, diet plans and "subtle" workouts at office including resistance tubes**.

As is obvious, the second section of the goals has been added purely to enable easy ticking-off. So then, no surprises when I announce a respectable 50% target achievement. The weekend got off to a delayed start as most of Saturday involved exploring hidden recesses in my new office.

However, things started resembling a regular weekend when I trooped into a theatre to catch "Johnny Gaddar". As warned, movie reviews form a natural ally for the lazy blogger. "Johnny Gaddar" is a fairly smart movie targeted at the "entertainer<>brain-dead" fraternity and is eminently watchable at reasonable prices (read as 150, to avoid any ambiguity). This caper movie wisely does not attempt a whodunnit, and has several twists and turns in the tale to keep one guessing. As yours truly is a budding critic, pet peeves persist - Dharam paaji's hilarious English one-liners (the mileage & dark path ones evoke guffaws), Rimi Sen's bimbette character, the usual absence of the police till the ending credits and the criminal under-use of the wacky soundtrack! All said and done, this movie is definitely worth a dekko!

Sunday started off in similar delayed fashion, though completely on account of waking up late :). The welcome sight of Alonso, F1's whiney-boy, getting whacked ensured a bright start to the day. The remainder was a mish-mash of "Ab tak chappan" and re-runs of "Friends" for the umpteenth time. Lo and behold, we are back to where we started off. The end of the weekend is real close at hand and its time to bid adieu with a solemn promise of returning very soon.

A still night. Occasional wafts of breeze playfully interrupt the melancholy. The thickening silence, interrupted by defiant barking and the occasional flutter. A busy city settles down for a well-deserved rest. Aching and tired limbs rejoice at the inactivity, but the minds tick on. Anticipation of the day that approaches, of dreams waiting to be fulfilled. Hunger and passion, effort and struggle, exuberance and exaltation.... the beat must go on. The starry sky envelopes the city, snug and warm in the embrace. A temporary solace, before the city awakes to the pursuit of destinies. The city of dreams drifts off into blissful sleep.

* Non-Mumbaikars cannot fathom the treasure trove of information that the Mirror is. It renders yeoman service by delivering Mumbaikars their daily survival kit including among others - where the biggest potholes on Mumbai roads are, helpful pictures of overflowing garbage cans so smart commuters can easily avoid them, the crucial outcome of a dispute among residents of a building about feeding stray dogs, an insight into the lives and catfights of our very own television superstars - I could go on at length without repeating myself...... A dedicated post to this topic would still not hold a candle to the venerable Mirror from the illustrious Slimes Group

** Obviously, all offices are filled with completely self-obsessed people who wouldn't even blink when co-workers whip out resistance tubes. How subtle is that, really?

When Giver Gives, Gives in Abundance....

2007-09-23T18:13:00.000+05:30

The title of the post draws upon the pearls of wisdom showered upon us mortals in Hera Pheri... a.k.a "dene wala deta jab bhi, deta chappar phaad ke..." :-). And the trigger for this thought was the fact that this is my second post in the same day. My return to blog-land after an extended hiatus is really proving to be a roller-coaster of emotions for faithful readers..... sniff sniff.....

You honestly cannot have expected really interesting events since my last post. I am taking the easy way out and reviewing a delightful movie I saw recently - Ratatouille. Well, needless to say, the movie rocks. I am self-confessed fan of animated movies in general (Shrek, Ice Age, The Emperor's Last Groove, Surf's Up, Simpsons) and Pixar in specific (Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Incredibles). Ratatouille is a heart-warming and delightful movie in the Disney genre which you would want to take your kids to. However, given my no-kids-in-the-horizon status, that alone is hard to justify my appreciation for the movie. The movie reminds one of the clean and good-at-heart entertainment during our childhood (courtesy censorship by parents obviously :-)). The characterization is top-class and full credit to Pixar for making an rat (ugghhhh!!!!) into a cute and likable protagonist with remarkably expressive eyes. After stomping all over the blog with my goody-two-shoes, I should also make special mention of "Surf's up". This is a movie which few have heard of, and even fewer have watched, which is a real pity! A smart and witty movie featuring cute penguins and targeted at a slightly mature audience (with references to reality shows, egotism, etc), the movie rocks and is work a dekko.

Till the next post, if and when I have the inspiration and time, I leave you with a sample of my creativity at office. My limited attempts at poetry have been met with winces and groans in the past. Luckily, the blogging medium insulates from such forms of instant feedback. If you do not wish to spare me my misery, your comments are welcome and shall contribute towards realizing my medium-term goal of writing a post completely in prose - to borrow from Vikram Seth......

Office office go away...

Going home early needs a lot of luck,
Here we are, in office, stuck,
Till the early morn and the rooster’s cluck.

Thought about going to a movie,
And watching Sivaji babe get groovy.

Fate has other plans, it seems,
The gold tooth of manager catbert gleams,
And trashes all these fancy dreams.

The Chennai Conundrum

2007-09-11T09:27:00.000+05:30

As promised to breathless readers and awestruck fans from the time of gladiators and the roman empire (which is when I last updated my blog) - "I am back"

The slumbering blog gets a new lease of life courtesy - the enigmatic city of Chennai where I found myself two weekends previously defying frantically dissuading well-wishers and ignoring a deep sense of foreboding. Not-so-subtle snubs from a smart-alecky bagger called Faiz Azim also provoked me into settling comfortably on my posterior without the usual faithfuls - popcorn and remote for a change.

The new post is indeed about "The adventures of Gogi: Chennai beckons" ..... only a few millenia and several trips to myriad places later. The city has not changed too much - keen readers will immediately observe a double entendre pandering to Chennai-lovers and Chennai-"bring-it-on"-ers simultaneously. Occupational hazards of consulting, you see.....

Chennai is unique in its own charming way - sweat, dirt 'n grime, nasty thieving auto-wallahs, more sweat, latin-esque signs and billboards, rickety killing machine buses, yet more sweat..... you get the picture. The only redeeming factors were the idli-dosas and one of the high points of the trip - Zara. Snooty Bangalore fan that I am, Zara was a complete revelation and increased my appreciation of Chennai from the netherworld to a notch above "Never again in my life". Classy deco, good food, decent VFM (Value For Money.... if you must know), young crowd and rocking music - one was suddenly transported back to Bangalore. You got to go to Chennai and check out this place!!! Sorry, got a little carried away....... if by a quirk of fate, you find yourself in Chennai, its a must-go!

We also squeezed in a trip to Mahabalipuram and Pondicherry during the trip. The Pondicherry trip was a complete disaster - non-existent beach due to tsunami fortifications, Auroville visit after closing hours, inability to locate the French quarter and peace/ serenity more reminiscent of Chennai than any possible region of France. Mahabalipuram was awesome though - lovely clean beach untouched by tourist vandalism, a nice shore temple and THE high point of the trip - Moonrakers. Moonrakers, with its hip name*, cheerful service and the heavenly pancakes alone warrants another trip to Mahabalipuram. Several honey pancakes, banana pancakes, Mexican omelets and fruit juices later**, we left the place with heavy hearts and even heavier stomachs.

Which brings me back to the primary reason yours truly was in Chennai. Our very own H-Mezz TDH*** dude (code name: lambu) and his honorary H-Mezz better half (code name: archi) had chosen to enter into holy matrimony in this city and we had no option but to grace the happy occasion. However, the trip also resulted in us contracting Conjunctivitis and roaming about Mahabalipuram and Chennai in pseud, MIB-ish dark glasses. While we got appreciative glances during the day, I had the strange feeling the crowd at the airport later that night did not think it was very cool and some even gave us weird looks. The feeling as we boarded our flight was similar to Jurassic Park as the survivors fly into the sunset. Dear readers, I regret to inform you that our escape from Chennai is not set to last forever, as another member of the esteemed H-Mezz community is harbouring plans to get married there as well :-(. While we appreciate your empathy, noble souls might also consider contributing to the H-Mezz Chennai-goer Rehabilitation Fund to expedite recovery of afflicted victims.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are mine alone and do not necessarily bear any resemblance to any name, place, animal or thing - living or dead. "Chennai" is an allegorical reference and should not be confused with the bustling metropolis that goes by the same name. As feelings hurt by the blog are unlikely to be assuaged by a simple apology, readers who take umbrage are encouraged to vent their feelings about things dear to the author - Hyderabad and Biryani. A word of caution though - Biryani bashers might have to contend with hate mail from sensitive members of the H-Mezz community! A parting thought - my bias against Chennai not-withstanding, conjunctivitis is colloquially also called "Madras Eye" :-)

* The story of Moonrakers.... A dark night with a full moon, shrieking owls and the works. A bunch of no-gooders hauling beer barrels when they spot the sheriff's cohorts. They dump the barrels into a lake and keep them in range using moonrakes. When confronted, they blabber about trying to rake in the cheese (reflection of the moon) from the lake, to the utter amusement of the law-enforcers. Needless to say, they had the last laugh later on.... Howzzat for an inspiration to name a small nondescript Mahabalipuram restaurant!!!

** Unsuspecting souls would ascribe the several references to food in the current and previous posts to co-incidence. However, folks in the know would be aware that the motley group called H-Mezz (the jazzy name unfortunately only means the Mezzanine floor of the H-Block) are avid foodies whose primary form of worship includes "pet pooja". Needless to say, expect references to more mouth-watering delicacies and eating joints in future posts as well [:)]

*** TDH, for the uninitiated, stands for Tall-Dark-Handsome - the ultimate quest for the marriageable Indian male. Grab your copy of "South Indian Men's Health" for more such engrossing fare. This month's edition features our cover story - "Nature's unlikely aphrodisiac -Coconuts" with exclusive excerpts from a free-wheeling conversation with the latest sensation who has captured the nation's imagination - Sreesanth

Heard the Latest Gossip?

2006-07-06T16:50:00.000+05:30

As you would have guessed, my weekdays in office are so boring that I have resorted to blogging as a means of dusting the cobwebs fast gathering in my mind. Needless to say, on such boring days, nothing way too interesting was going to happen.

(expectant silence.......)

No ppl, if you were expecting I would dish out some amazing thing thats happended of late, then I am sorry to disappoint. So I shall describe a recent treat that I went to last weekend.

First the backdrop. An un-named batchmate at IIMB (lets say A), notorious for his secrecy, invited us to a party on a grand scale (70+ invitees no less!!). In the absence of reliable rumour-mongers after graduating from college, it was left to us noble souls to assume there was some "dal cooking" going on behind the scenes.

Theory 1: He's got promoted. What better way to show-off
Theory 2: First Bill Gates, then Warren Buffet, now A has been bitten by the philanthropy bug. Since Bill Gates didnt pick up his phone, he decided to provide free diet supplements (read as kebabs, smirnoff,.... you get the general idea) to third-world youngsters.
....
....
....
Theory N-1: He's gotten married secretly and this is his way of announcing it to the world (as we weren't invited to the marriage ..... grrrr)
Theory N: Maybe he's just gotten engaged and so this is a prelude to Theory N!

After a lot of soul-scratching and head-searching, we had to abandon all options except 1 and N with a rather dull brain.

The uncertainty allowed us to be real cheapskates and reach the venue not knowing what to expect. Stage was set for a myriad possibilities and glorious uncertainty. Lo and behold, we had the perfect anticlimax. The party was just that - a normal party, as A had been promising all along!!! We smiled awkwardly and grabbed our cell-phones the moment he was out of sight. We being dutiful grapevines, had casually "mentioned" our friend's engagement (what else could it have been..... huh) to all and sundry, and it was time to jettison the story before congratulatory calls started pouring in for our hapless host!!!

After a job well done, and a few sheepish apologies for ruining the perfect suspense thriller, we proceeded to make amends to the disastrous start to the party. My roomie, lets say W (name changed to protect identity), attacked the liquid supplements section with full gusto. Not to be left behind, I tried to salvage my pride and stake my claim to being wasted sooner. This continued unabated for an unknown stretch of time.

At this point, things become a bit hazy. The descriptions that follow range from intelligent guesses to scenes from "Trainspotted". We strongly suspect a foreign hand behind this particular twist in the tale. Whether this was indeed so, or alien intervention caused this, we shall probably never know. I know this information gap is hard on you guys, but we must focus on the positives. This is a time when we must close ranks and pray for a better tomorrow for our children.

Coming back to the party, it was pretty well-organized. There were the diet supplements on one side, large screen showing France and brazil battle it out on one side, and disco lights reminiscent of the UFO in "koi mil gaya" in between. Everything was in abundance at the party save the loos. Desperate times called for desperate measures and people started ventured outside the party venue to contemplate the raison d'etre of their existence while also relieving their burdens. However, most of them returned rather quickly which left me wondering if I had pressed an imaginary fast-forward button. When I was leaving, I noticed a rather stern looking army chap just outside scowling at purposeless youth such as yours truly, but that is probably of no relevance to the matter at hand. Suffice it to say, an operations guy would have been delighted with the utilization levels of the aforementioned "private room".

Yours truly was feeling really "good" and watched the football quarterfinal for some time until it became evident the screen had gone blank. A few good natured souls mournfully explained to me that the match was finished quite some time back. Then I duly proceeded towards the previously mentioned UFO and saw a flurry of arms and legs swooshing past dangerously closely a la "couching tiger hidden dragon". Having recently survived krissh, I let loose my latent "Indian superhero" powers in self-defence. I guess my idea of dancing was not yet in vogue (I have always been ahead of the times). So I duly "tch....tch.... ed" and left in protest.

How we got back home after that is a blur but we were soon sleeping like babies (read somewhere that this doesnt make too much sense as babies hardly sleep!!! ..... ask any number of new parents..... dunno how this started). We had to catch "Superman Returns" at 10 am the next morning. I will spare you the details but we managed to reach in time and boy was it fun. I guess superman was a little too "super" - an effect of our escapades the previous night!!!

Thats it for now folks. I shall get on with my weekly drudgery and hopefully return with "The adventures of Gogi: Chennai beckons" next time. It might have serious tones though but I will fill you in later. Adios Amigos and female Amigos

Voodoo Black Magic (Cap)

2006-07-05T10:45:00.000+05:30

India needs a strong focus on primary education, especially in India's rural heartland. This has been oft-said but seldom acted upon. Now is the time to remedy this before it is too late!

What prompted this outburst? A certain black cap which sings in a high pitched croaky (in some instances spooky!) tone that makes one feel like building a house for the sole purpose of jumping out of the choicest window. The macabre case where some villagers felt the "jhalak dikhlaaja.... aaja aaja ..." song was inviting un-invited spirits over is already part of folklore. If spirits can't stand it, do mere mortals like us stand a chance?

The continued attack on my sensibilities and on the English language kills off whatever high spirits I wake up with every morning. I am not a masochist, and to arguments that I could avoid it (you dont have to listen to it every morning!), I can only say "HOW?!". No channel is free of this menace and with a 80% chance of running into his song at any randon time you switch on the idiot box, the odds are not exactly stacked in my favour.

The torture shows no sign of abating! First if it was "Just chill....." which became an inexplicable runaway success in spite of the way they say chill which raised one's hackles (wherever they might be). Next came "Koi shakkk! Whats up..." at which point your intestines make you sharply aware of their existence. Before the dazed populace could recover came the triple whammy in the form of the dude-ly "24 X 7 I think of you...", "Love you unconditionally ....", and finally "Its not a one night stand. Love you miss you har lamha....!!!!!".

Someone please stop this massacre, or atleast explain to this madcap that "Its not a one night stand......" is hardly anyone's idea of a coochie-coo song. But what is more alarming is that this phenomenon is going from strength to strength. Imagine walking into village and meeting a kid who proudly proclaims his mastery of the English language and demonstrates saying "Koi shak? Whats up!" Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

Re-"farmer" Singhji, the farmers need not just roti, kapda, makaan, but zabaan too!!!! We implore you, stop this genocide of our minds before our conversations render into soulful renditions of gibberish!

Of Champions And Demi-Gods

2006-07-03T17:43:00.000+05:30

Champions are a strange bunch. They are revered and despised in equal measure. Fans worhsip them and critics pan them. After proving one's mettle at the highest level, what is the next frontier?

Most current champions - Sachin, Federer, Tiger Woods, Zidane, Schumacher - have their name etched permanently in the record books. Some are still at the peak of their abilities, some answer increasingly vociferous critics with every impeccable performance.

When practically the world has written them off, these champions prove yet and again that form is temporary, class is permanent. Watching a Riquelme play is engrossing, but watching Zidane play is spell-binding. Watching Alonso win is worthy of applause, but watching Schumi silence shouts for his retirement with a majestic win at the Indy was worthy of an ovation! Being 1 second down going into the first pit stop, Schumi displayed downright brilliant driving entering the pitlane and the lap after the pitlane to emerge P1. Massa could only watch on awestruck as Schumi demonstrated how races are won. One commentator put it aptly when he said "Schumi is like a magician with pit stops - no one is certain exactly how he manages to do that!".

The best part of the race? After the race was won, Schumi celebrated alright, but the sight of him lofting Massa into the air following Massa's career-best showing was heart-warming. This was more befitting a champion of his stature than the sniggers of insecurity that he was often accused of last season. What seperates demi-gods from champions? one word - ATTITUDE. After Alonso stormed to a historic start to his formula1 title defense, Schumacher was typically bouyant. "There are 9 races to go. We are very much on track to win the chamionship" was his cheerful response. This was after a depressing showing in Montreal where the Ferrari was obviously not in the same league as the Renault.

This blog is a tribute to a true champion who transcends the bounds of sportsmen to the realm of the extra-ordinary. As I sign out, do check out the Ferrari pic and marvel at the majesty of the beast! It surely is a sight for sore eyes!

et tu?

2006-07-03T15:18:00.000+05:30

Q. Why blogging?
A. Why not?!

Q. Not good enough!
A. Damn you to hell

Q. All right, all right. So what is the big idea anyway?
A. Now you're talking! So much for blogs beings an outlet for frustration, passion, dear diary, and the likes. Hypocricy aside, the truth of the matter is that blogs are just another attempt to showcase your "creativity" and mastery over the English language. And while you are at it, to tell the world that you are not just single, but looking too!

I will not blah-blah the usual mumjo-jumbo. Thats why the title - There aint no such thing as free lunches! By reading on, you agree that you are reading this blog at your own risk and after also being told in bold letters (no fine print arguments later!) that the point of this blog is pure and simple footage

Q. You just killed the blog already! RIP
A. You just wait and watch!